Tamar Lisa, Countess of Voldigrad, Georgia (1809)

LETTER TO LISA

Suddenly I felt ashamed of my ambitions, in my dreams, in my hopes for myself. Too high my expects for myself. I take a deep breath. Hold my burned body. Trying to withstand heavy loads beyond the highest mountain peaks though. To keep a throne I want to avoid since I can stand up.

My grandmother taught geography. About border boundaries. Bound by mountain, river, sea or culture. About the history of our Principate is toothless. He has been thrown out by the new feudal system created by the White, your nation, in this Russian-Persian War. But some of the Principality in Azerbaijan, including my country Shirvansyah Khanate, is still alive, breathing. Although only limited to tradition.

I do not ask to be born as the Crown Prince. This is the destiny I have to accept with reverence. As I never regretted having fallen in love. Including with you. And funny I never said that.

There is a set of habits that ingrain rooted then he became a tradition. A convention according to the constitutional law forces me to choose, you or the crown. Really, this throne never means to me compared to your smile. I want to run. But I am the only heir, the responsibility of the ancestors has bowed my legs.

You can not be my queen. There are twelve articles of the law saying so. Pursuing you means turning our country apart. I can not. I do not know how you feel, maybe more precisely I never want to know. I’m definitely disappointed in myself. How cruel you say. Spit on me because it’s worth it. Hate me. It is better. My future has been determined and it is not with you.

It was stifling to say goodbye. I can not say I want to. Because “Goodbye” is a sad word that will pierce the shared feeling. But it’s even sadder to go without saying anything! I go!

I do not want to see you again. That will weaken me. As a crown prince, I must be tough as a lion. I’m a masked man. Unconquerable. For you to be a great person in the future. There is no blue-blooded human. All blackish. All blood red. If you still find this paper wet, this is because my drinking water is splashed. Not because of my tears, because a prospective king never cried. We are shaped like steel, I repeat like steel. Like twelve genealogies upward.

I want to reach you, hold you like a chain, I just want to love you. But as soon as I want to reach you, there’s another chain on my shackled leg.

Kara¹⁾. January 1, 1809
Signed Prince of Shirvansyah Khanate²⁾, Ahmad III
To Tamar Lisa, Voldigrad³

Index :

Kara¹⁾ = the capital of Shirvansyah

Principality of Shirvansyah²⁾ = Located on the Caucasus border of the Persian Empire and the Russian Empire

Voldigrad³⁾ = A city in Tzar-era Russia

Translated from SEPUCUK SURAT UNTUK LISA